This has been borrowed from Roger Tirabassi.
- Make sure the time and location are appropriate.
- 1 Peter 5:8 – “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
- It should be conducive to a quality conversation.
- This is not an excuse to avoid a conversation.
- Example: Late in the evening, when you are exhausted, may not be the best time for a deep conversation. However, it may be.
- Ask “I have something to discuss with you, is this a good time?”
- We don’t use the words “NEVER” or “ALWAYS”.
- Other examples: All, nothing, every.
- Exaggeration complicates communication and increases defensiveness
- Be specific.
- Think before you speak.
- We don’t blame or shame.
- Don’t say things like: “If it wasn’t for you…”, “You started this!”, “This is all your fault!”
- Stay away from the “You’re wrong” statements.
- Say “This is the way I see / I experience this”
- We don’t name call, label, or belittle.
- Proverbs 25:15 – “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.”
- Do not use statements such as, “What would you know about this” or “You are so stubborn, scatter brained, or lazy”
- Address the issue like “I’m overwhelmed because…”
- We use “I” statements rather than “You” statements
- Example: “I feel attacked” rather than, “You are attacking me!”
- We say we are hurt, irritated, or frustrated rather than we are angry.
- James 1:19-20 – “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”
- We take a time out if we become angry to the point of not being in control.
- Proverbs 29:11 – “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”
- If our emotions are out of control we will usually create a trigger and escalating affect. We need to take a “timeout” and gt our emotions under control. THEN we can communicate in love.
- We don’t withdraw or isolate.
- Proverbs 18:1 – “An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment.”
- We ask for a “timeout” if our emotions are getting out of control. When we ask for a “timeout” we also decide when we will come back together to talk again. We don’t use them as a way to hurt. “Timeouts” are for us to get control, and get connected with God.
- We listen completely, and we take painstaking steps to hear everything.
- Proverbs 18:13 – “He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame.”
- We repeat what the other person said before we share our feelings.
- An example: “Do I have it right?” or “Is there anything else?”
- We don’t demand, rather, we ask.
- Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
- For example: we say, “I wonder if you would…” using “desire” or “would like” rather than “need.” We don’t say “I need you to listen to me!”, rather, we say, “I would like it if you would listen to me,” or “would you be willing to…”
- We don’t use threats.
- The “if” word is a signal!
- We stay affirming.
- Philippians 4:8 – “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
- We thank the other person for sharing their thoughts and feelings. We thank them for listening so intently.
- We don’t interrupt!
- If we interrupt it should only be to mirror back what was said, not to correct a fact, or share a disagreement.
- You will both get a chance if you are communicating effectively
- We don’t use the ‘D’ word.
- Matthew 19:19 – “Jesus replied, ” ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.'”
- Divorce! Or, the equivalent (if single) of “Maybe we should just end this” or “this relationship just isn’t working.”
- We use specifics rather than generalizations when communicating.
- For example: “I don’t feel you love.” Instead say, “I didn’t feel as though you loved me when you forgot our anniversary.”
- We don’t tell the other person they broke a rule.
- We might say, “It hurt me when you said, ‘You never listen to me.’”